Scary Movie Series: Why Babysitters Aren’t Paid Enough

It’s a rite of passage for many a young girl; babysitting. Best case scenario: a well-stocked fridge, potty-trained kids, and a decent wage under the table. Worst: trying to escape a psycho who wants to see if you’re as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside via butcher knife. How do you know which scenario you are entering? You don’t. All I can tell you is that to survive, you need to keep a few things in mind:

• If you are receiving prank phone calls, they are probably coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE.
• If you hear a strange knock at the door after midnight, DO NOT ANSWER IT.
• If the kid you’re sitting for has a creepy doll that wants to watch the 9 o’clock news, LET HIM.

Or, if you want to guarantee your survival, DON’T BABYSIT! Maybe try working at McDonald’s instead. I’m just saying. If you babysit, you are as good as dead. Don’t believe me? Watch these films to see for yourself.

1. Fright (1971)
A night of babysitting…what could possibly go wrong? Answer: the kid’s dad just escaped from a mental asylum and has revenge on his warped mind.

2. Halloween (1978)
This is one of my favorite horror movies of all-time. It helped Jamie Lee Curtis become the “Scream Queen”. I just love the fact that they used a William Shatner mask for the character of Michael Myers. Seriously, how awesome is that? Lessons to be learned from this movie: If the child you’re babysitting says he saw the Boogeyman across the street, believe him (or tell his parents because the kid could have early-onset schizophrenia). If you need to go inside to retrieve your keys to get into your locked car, only to return to find the door unlocked and the windows fogged up, do not get in the car (there is probably an escaped homicidal maniac in your backseat…or people making out in there…but most likely a homicidal maniac). If your boyfriend goes to get you a beer and a figure in a sheet comes back, your boyfriend is impaled downstairs on the pantry door. It’s common sense, folks!

3. The Amityville Horror (1979)
Babysitting at the murder house? Sure, that seems safe. Until one of the murdered kids decides to lock you in a closet. I’m sure she’s just playing with you. Or maybe trying to kill you. Lesson learned: no good will come of babysitting in a house with a portal to Hell in the basement. True story.

4. When a Stranger Calls (1979)
I freaking love this movie! How ominous are the random phone calls with a stranger asking “Have you checked the children?” Even more frightening, the calls are coming from inside the house. Carol Kane is fabulous in this as the tormented babysitter, Jill Johnson. Even more awesome is Charles Durning, the detective who goes after the killer using lawn darts! That alone says you need this gem in your movie collection.

5. The Fog (1980)
This is my all-time, favorite horror movie. I think I first saw it when I was about 5-years-old and I’ve been afraid that leper pirates were lurking in every cloud of fog I’ve seen ever since. A small coastal town is cursed because 6 co-conspirators double-crossed a bunch of lepers that wanted to live nearby, robbed them of their money and sank their ship, killing all on board. The lepers decide 100 years later to exact revenge by killing the 6 co-conspirators, only those guys are dead so anyone will do! One of those anyones ends up being an elderly babysitter, of course! If there is a green, glowing fog outside and someone knocks on your door after midnight, do not answer it! It is most likely a leper ghost seeking revenge. Or selling magazine subscriptions.

6. Child’s Play (1988)
If you go to babysit and the kid and his favorite doll are dressed alike, just turn around and leave immediately. No good will come of it. The night won’t end up with you $10 richer, it will end with you flying out of a high-rise apartment window after being knifed by a doll housing the soul of a killer. Duh.

7. When a Stranger Calls Back (1993)
This is considered a sequel to the original When a Stranger Calls, however, it is a different killer this time. Babysitter, Julia, is tormented by a man who comes to the front door of the house she is sitting at and asks her to call the auto club. She goes to call, but finds the phone is dead. The guy continues to bother her and at the end of the night, it is discovered that the children have been stolen from their beds. Years later, Julia is being tormented by the same man who took the children in her care. Of course, he’s trying to kill her. I may be giving major spoilers here, but the killer is a freaking ventriloquist!!! Instead of being outside the house, the killer was inside all along and just throwing his voice. I’d like to say this movie made me fear ventriloquists, but those guys are so creepy, that it just served to reinforce an already existent fear.

Join me next week for the third installment of my scary movie series: Those Aliens Do Not Come In Peace.

Filed in: read, watch, listen

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