Scary Movies series – The neighbors might be evil…
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Recently, I’ve moved into a new place. I enjoyed a friendly relationship with my old neighbors and hoped for the best with the new ones. Instead, I have a neighbor who chain smokes in front of my mailbox and hides behind his privacy fence and peeks at me through the slats in the creepiest way possible every time I take my dogs out. I have another neighbor that is so protective of their property line that in lieu of just peeing and marking their territory, they stuck a scarecrow up on the line, facing my living room window, like a deranged, straw voyeur. I love my new neighbors!
Now, as not ideal as they are, can I say they are evil? Not yet. But I’ve only been here for six weeks. What separates evil from merely annoying can be subjective, but sometimes it’s pretty obvious.
Here are some fine examples of neighbors from Hell…
1. Rear Window
Many city dwellers invest in telescopes to catch a glimpse of the activities of their neighbors. What if you saw something other than the ugly naked guy across the way? What if your neighbor is a killer and you’re the only one who knows? What if he knows you know? I bet you’re wishing you didn’t have a busted leg and could escape when he comes for you. Sucks to be you. If you want to see a more modern take on this movie, check out Disturbia (2007).
2. Rosemary’s Baby
You know what I hate more than a neighbor that borrows something and doesn’t return it or that plays their music too loud? Neighbors that arrange for me to be impregnated by Satan and birth the devil’s spawn. Not cool. A cup of sugar you can borrow; my womb—totally off limits.
3. The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane
If you live near a little girl that lives alone and you never see a parent, maybe you should contact social services. You probably shouldn’t go over there and check things out for yourself. You also probably shouldn’t drink any tea she makes you. Martin Sheen as a perv is ALMOST as creepy as young Jodie Foster as Rynn.
Fun fact: Mario, the boy that Rynn befriends, is played by Scott Jacoby—the same actor portrayed the son of Bea Arthur’s character Dorothy Zbornak on “The Golden Girls”.
4. Ghostbusters
If you live next to anybody that calls themselves “The Key Master” or “The Gate Keeper”, you might want to move. If your neighbors complain of eggs frying themselves on their counter or of their fridge talking to them, best case scenario—your neighbors are crazy; worse case scenario—your neighbors are minions of a Sumerian god bent on destruction and ending the world. What I learned from this movie: When someone asks if you’re a god, you say YES!
5. Fright Night
If you suspect that a vampire responsible for the mysterious disappearance of young women in your town has moved in next door, you might not want to draw attention to yourself. You also should try to enlist the help of the has-been of an actor that plays a vampire hunter in the horror movies you like because everybody knows that he’s probably a vampire hunter in real life. OBVIOUSLY. Duh. You should also let the entire cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” perform surgery on you because if they play doctors on television, then they must have gone to medical school, right? (P.S. Chris Sarandon as the vampire in this movie is invited to bite me anytime).
6. The Stepford Wives
Your new neighborhood is perfection. The houses are perfect. The lawns are perfect. The robotic duplicates of the wives are perfect. This isn’t going to end well. If you’re looking for chills, skip the 2004 remake, m’kay? Anything starring Ferris Bueller just isn’t scary.
7. Troll
If a little girl tries to get into your apartment, don’t let her in because she’s probably possessed by an evil troll that’s trying to take over the world and will probably turn you into some kind of creature. Or she’s just trying to sell you Girl Scout cookies. Eh, even if she’s a troll, if she has some Girl Scout cookies, then being turned into a creature is probably totally worth it (can you say “thin mints”?)
Fun fact: The main character’s name in this is “Harry Potter”…sound familiar?
8. Quarantine
You know what sucks about living in an apartment building? When the CDC puts your building under strict quarantine and your neighbors start attacking you when they contract some kind of super-rabies/zombie virus. Even worse? When they steal your newspaper AND try to eat your face. Talk about a day ruiner!
So, the moral of this post: avoid your neighbors, they might try to kill you. Or maybe they just want to arrange a neighborhood yard sale. You know, the likelihood is pretty high for both.
Anybody have any “neighbors from Hell” stories of their own?
Krista would like to believe she would survive a horror movie. She always checks in the back seat of her car before getting in, will never investigate a strange noise, pretty much assumes the call is coming from inside the house, won’t enter anything nicknamed “The Murder House”, avoids antique puzzle boxes at flea markets, doesn’t read books of the dead out loud, and refuses to live near a cemetery in case of a zombie apocalypse.
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Hahaha @Krista , this is an amazing list! I love it!!
My neighbors aren’t *that* bad. The worst one I had was forced to move when they foreclosed on their home (karma anyone?). He insisted that *any* dog poo in the grass must have come from my dogs and TWICE he went around collecting it and… wait for it… THREW IT AT MY HOUSE. Who does that?! Really, who throws poo? And he didn’t lob it, he really chucked it. It was embedded in the window screens, all over my deck and splattered on the siding. ICK!
The worst part was- he was a real wuss. He would only ever confront ME, yelling and swearing at me almost every time he ever saw me. He NEVER spoke to my husband. Gah! So glad they’re gone.
I wonder what kind of horror movie they could write about him…
I just want to say that Rosemary’s husband is the worst! Who would agree to that?? “Hello Satan, Please share my wife me. I would love for her to birth your spawn.”
*GAG* Divorce anyone?
Ghostbusters is one of my favorite movies.
Good picks @Krista
@mandaleem –What awful neighboors!
It seems like everytime I take care of a certain neighboors pets. The kitty litter is overflowing or there is not enough food. Who the heck leaves for a week and does not clean the litter first? This has happened numerous times and is a pattern of behavior.
My neighbor is a rabid Tea Party member who drives a truck featuring a picture of Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) peeing on the word “immigrants.” I’d take a troll over her any day, sister!
Another amazing list, @krista. Rosemary’s Baby is one of my favorite movies of all time. The look on her face when she sees her little devil spawn… unforgettable!
My all-time worst neighbors go to ones we had back in CT–They were EVIL. I called them “The Family Fun Zone”. They had an acre property BETWEEN their house and ours and a small, rickety picket fence delineating their property line (and 2 big Rottweilers that would jump against the half broken thing and look at my dogs like food) that was about 10 feet from our house. Despite having an entire acre, they put everything up against the fence, usually looking right into our living room (we actually had to make another room in our little Victorian into the living room because it was so obnoxious & would aggravate our dogs).
Things against the fence: Their picnic tables, GRILL (Wouldn’t it make sense to have that NEAR their house instead of dragging food an acre away????), a fire pit (right next to our 100-year-old WOODEN house, a trampoline, a basketball hoop, a soccer net, a horseshoe pit w/ spotlight that shone directly into my kitchen window, and I think they were making an in-ground sandbox b/c they dug a huge hole directly under our bathroom window (our windows were HUGE–a foot off the ground and a foot from the ceiling, so if they’d put something in the pit, they’d be staring directly at you on the toilet). They’d have bonfires 3 nights a week from March through November and play loud music until 1 or 2 a.m. and the noise would freak out my dogs so they’d bark constantly b/c people are burning things 10 feet from our wooden house and drinking beer up against the fence and watching OUR tv. It stopped a little bit when I started loudly playing music that wasn’t PG for their kiddos. Ever hear of a song “F*ck the Pain Away” by Peaches? I’m sure their kid is probably still asking awkward questions :P
My worst neighbors were a family of 11 shoved into a one bedroom apartment that we first lived underneath (for 1 month) than next door too (we told our landlords we would leave if they didn’t move us). I’m not sure what was worse, living under them and hearing their trundle bed system being dismantled ever morning at 6 am (drag, drag, DROP! drag, drag, DROP!) Or living next to them and hearing them snore all night long through the paper thin walls. Oh yeah, and all the men were in a gang. Fun!
@stef – Dude, SWEET!
I’ve had some bad neighbors…most recently the woman who lived above us owned three dogs but was never home to take care of them. They cried unconsolably; I volunteered to help her with them and she was offended. I complained to the manager and told him that I was willing to help as well (I also asked him to enter to see if they had enough water and food, at least). Top that with her jailbroken abusive boyfriend who used to show up routinely at four am and threaten to kill her as he throws her around). Yes, police were called. Daily (KNOCK, KNOCK: Police! Oh…wait. Fumble…boyfriend hides Sorry officer…you get the picture) Yes, they were evicted. No, I don’t know what happened to the poor dogs; we tried to find out.
THOSE neighbors trump ANY bad neighbors I EVER thought I had!
But, back to that list…
great picks @krista! Could I add another? Trilogy starring Karen Black…the scariest made-for-tv movie ever! The last vignette has Ms.Black living in a highrise apartment building and a little fetish doll has come to life and is terrorizing her. The end has her fiendishly pounding a knife to the floor, the spirit of the murderous doll inside her, waiting for someone to arrive. Def not the neighbor I want in a high rise (or anywhere).
I am a huge Fright Night fan. I remember watching it at the drive in when I was a kid. I really, really hope that the upcoming remake will at least be half as good!
And I forgot about the Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane. That was a creep, weird, but good little movie!
Great stuff @krista!!
@kellie76 – I first saw “Fright Night” back when I was about 9 and it gave me nightmares because child me was not the horror movie lover that adult me is.
Fun Fact about “Fright Night”:
The lead female was played by Amanda Bearse, who played Marcy on “Married with Children”.
“The Little Girl Who Lives Down the Lane” made me fear anything flavored with almonds…if you’ve seen this movie, you know why…